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Our House It Won't Sell (co-written with Pauline Golds)
(To the tune of I Know Him So Well by Elaine Paige And Barbara Dickson)
(Song about the housing crisis)

Listen to this song

Nothing is so good in this economy
The bank is not completely on your side
Looks like we're moving to a wheely bin
But still the mortgage there will be too high

Looking back, I could have played it differently
With a fixed rate mortgage, who can tell
And now we have ne-ga-tive equity
Gordon Brown, we hope you rot in Hell

Wasn't it good? (The house boom)
Now it's not fine. (For sale sign)
Can't make the mortgage
Payments on time
We didn't know
How it would go if we'd known from the start
We would have invested in art
Wasn't it good? (The house boom)
Now it's not fine. (For sale sign)
Can't make the mortgage
Payments on time

And even though we spent a little bit more on the new Conservatory
And all the laminated flooring
Our house it won't sell
It took time to paint the landing
Our house it won't sell

Hopelessly I Voted For You
(To the tune of Hopelessly Devoted To You by Olivia Newton John)
(Song about a Labour voter who is sad that Gordon Brown lost the 2010 General Election)

Guess yours is not the first seat taken
Glass eyes are not the first to cry
Now Gordon’s had to go
There’s just no getting over you

And hopelessly I voted for you

But now
That radio mic
Got you pushed and cast aside
Now Labour is dead
Hopelessly I voted for you
Hopelessly I voted for you

Now Cameron’s saying “Fool, forget him”
And Clegg is saying “Let him go”
And oh God, it’s the end
They’ll cut public spending too
And hopelessly I voted for you

But now
My Gordon’s resigned
Since I cast my vote inside
Now Labour is dead
Hopelessly I voted for you
Hopelessly I voted for you

Hopelessly I voted for you

Vote For Me Now
(To the tune of Don't Stop Me Now by Queen)
(Song about David Cameron during the live TV debates for the 2010 General Election)

Tonight I’m gonna have myself TV air time
I’m going live
And the world turfing Labour out, yeah
I’m gloating, I’m bound
To win those seats, so
Vote for me now
Vote for me, ‘cause I’ll give you a good time, give you a good time

I’m Conservative on which you can rely
A survivor, defying the laws of me, me, me
I’m a superstar prancing by
You’ve got to decide now
You’ve gotta vote, vote, vote
There’s no stopping me

On the BBC and Sky, yeah
You’re looking at me
That’s why they call me Mister Airbrushed-Out
A pretty boy without a doubt
I wanna make a supersonic nation of you

Vote for me now
I’ll give you such a good time, I’ll be a good boss
Vote for me now
If you wanna have a good time, just give me that cross
(Vote for me now)
‘Cause I’ll give you a good time
(Vote for me now)
We’ll get back to the good times
I don’t want to stop at all

I’m talking so much shit, it’s coming out my arse
It’s your decision, ‘cause
I hope you’re holding tight, I’m after your soul
I’m a politician ready to be called
Into Number 10, about to
Win, win, win, win, win your vote

On the BBC and Sky, yeah
You’re looking at me
That’s why they call me Mister Airbrushed-Out
A pretty boy without a doubt
I wanna make a supersonic nation of you

Vote for me now
Just give me loads of your time, I’ll get rid of Brown
Vote for me now
Don’t give Labour any more time, they’re letting you down
(Vote for me now) ‘Cause I’ll give you a good time
(Vote for me now) We’ll get back to the good times
I don’t want to stop at all

When I Fall In Hove
(To the tune of When I Fall In Love by Nat King Cole)
(Song about Brighton And Hove Council not doing a good job of gritting the roads)

When I fall in Hove
It will be the weather
Or I’ll never fall in Hove
In a restless town like this is
Snow is ended before it’s begun
But the Council never grit it
Doesn’t thaw in the warmth of the sun

When they grit the paths
It is incompletely
For they never can be arsed
Any moment I will end up
In A and E too
Is when I fall in Hove with you

Steal It
(To the tune of Beat It by Michael Jackson)
(Song about twatty hoodies)

Us Hoodies, we do all the stealin' round here
And if it isn't nailed down, it'll disappear
With pound signs in our eyes when we are flogging hot gear
We'll steal it, just steal it

You'd better run or we will cut you up, man
And then we'll have a joyride in a stolen van
We'll cover up our faces when we're mugging your gran
We'll steal it. Coz we wanna be bad

Just steal it, steal it, steal it, steal it,
Hoodies will not be defeated
We think it's funny, we'll start a fight
It doesn't matter what's wrong or right
Just steal it, steal it, steal it, steal it,
Hoodies will not be defeated
We think it's funny, we'll start a fight
It doesn't matter what's wrong or right
Just steal it (steal it, steal it....)

We are the Hoodies, better leave with your life
Unless you want a run-in with a kitchen knife
We hang around the streets, causing trouble and strife
We'll steal it, just steal it

We're playing X-Box and we're smoking our weed
The Hoodie generation are born out of greed
We'll kick you, then we'll beat you and we'll never concede
We'll steal it. Coz we wanna be bad

Just steal it, steal it, steal it, steal it,
Hoodies will not be defeated
We think it's funny, we'll start a fight
It doesn't matter what's wrong or right
Just steal it, steal it, steal it, steal it,
Hoodies will not be defeated
We think it's funny, we'll start a fight
It doesn't matter what's wrong or right
Just steal it (steal it, steal it....)

Downturn
(To the tune of Downtown by Petula Clark)
(Song about the recession)

You're losing your home
Because you can't pay your loan
An economical
Downturn
Your bills are so high
So much they're making you cry
An astronomical
Downturn

The country's in a mess, because of bankers in the city
Who took too many risks with all the money in the kitty
You're losing again

This country’s beyond repair
You can't forget all your troubles, and nobody cares
With this downturn
Banks will not lend to you
Downturn
There's nothing you can do
Downturn
There's nothing waiting for you

(downturn, downturn, downturn, downturn)

The High Street stores
You find they're closing their doors
An economical
Downturn
A matter of time
Before your job's on the line
An astronomical
Downturn

You walk to work on Monday, but the firm is facing closure
Guaranteed you're signing on before the week is over
It's crappy again

This country’s beyond repair
You can't forget all your troubles, and nobody cares
With this downturn
Banks will not lend to you
Downturn
There's nothing you can do
Downturn
There's nothing waiting for you.

Our House
(To the tune of Our House by Madness)
(Song about the MP expenses scandal)

My expenses aren't obscene
My second home, it needs a clean
I think I'll get my brother in
Need to fit mock tudor beams
And the boiler needs replacing
Cause the water's far too hot

Our house, not too far from Downing Street
Our house, got my false expenses sheet
Our house, second homes are not that cheap
Our house, claiming false expenses

Claiming for a new TV
Of widescreen variety
I so believe in quality
Claim the mortgage on my flat
Even though my family home
Is twenty miles away

Our house, not too far from Downing Street
Our house, got my false expenses sheet
Our house, second homes are not that cheap
Our house, claiming false expenses

My back garden's in a state
I think I'll get somebody in
Expenses sheet I'm filling in
Council tax is overdue
I'll give it to the taxpayer
Who'll gladly foot the bill

Our house, not too far from Downing Street
Our house, got my false expenses sheet
Our house, second homes are not that cheap
Our house, claiming false expenses

I remember way back when
All our claims were false and when
We would claim such a very good time
Such a fine time
Such a happy time
And I remember how we'd pay
Simply waste the day away
Then one day
The Telegraph came between us
Oh Jesus!

My expenses aren't obscene
My second home, it needs a clean
I think I'll get my brother in
Need to fit mock tudor beams
And the boiler needs replacing
Cause the water's far too hot

Our house, not too far from Downing Street
Our house, got my false expenses sheet
Our house, second homes are not that cheap
Our house, claiming false expenses

We Make Good TV
(To the tune of I Want To Break Free by Queen)
(Song about the Peter Andre and Katie Price split)

We make good TV
We make good TV
We make good TV of our lives
We're so self satisfied, we're so greedy
We make good TV
Katie
Katie, I want to break free

Our story of love
Our story of love, it's on prime time
On ITV2, it's so real
But Katie looks rough, yeah
Katie
And Peter's Divorce you will love

It's ITV2
Hey. I can't get over the way they film us like they do
But I'm going to be poor
If I walk out that door
Oh how I want to be free, Jordan
But how I'll miss that money
Oh how I want some TV

But life still goes on
I see repeats on Living TV, Living TV,
Living TV are
On my side
Maybe they will make my show
It's called
Peter Makes It On His Own
So TV can't you see
You cannot live without me

We make good TV
We make good TV, yeah