We've Lost Your Husband
A comedy sketch by Mikey J

I actually wrote this sketch in 1985 when I was a schoolboy.

INT. HOSPITAL. DAY.

A SURGEON WALKS SOLEMNLY OVER TO A WAITING WOMAN WHO LOOKS NERVOUS.

WOMAN:
How is he, doctor?

SURGEON:
I have some bad news.

SURGEON PAUSES. THE WOMAN WAITS EXPECTANTLY FOR HIM TO CONTINUE; ANXIETY WRITTEN ALL OVER HER FACE.

SURGEON:
I’m sorry, but… we’ve lost your husband.

THE WOMAN STARTS SOBBING. SURGEON LETS HER CRY ON HIS SHOULDER. SURGEON PAUSES, THEN LOOKS DOWN AT THE WOMAN.

SURGEON:
We can’t find him anywhere.

SURGEON GIVES A SIGH. THE WOMAN STEPS BACK, TRIES TO COMPOSE HERSELF, WIPES AWAY THE TEARS - A BRAVE FACE.

WOMAN:
Was it… was it quick?

SURGEON:
Yes. One second, he was lying on a bed. The next, he’d vanished.

WOMAN:
(RELIEVED) Oh, good. I’m so glad he didn’t suffer.

SURGEON:
We did all we could. We searched all the wards. We checked all the cubicles in the gents. We even looked down the back of the sofa in the waiting room. But it was no use. He was gone.

SURGEON HANDS THE WOMAN A TISSUE. SHE WIPES AWAY SOME MORE TEARS.

SURGEON:
Of course, there’s one consolation. When we were looking down the back of the sofa, we found a biro, a boiled sweet and a twenty pence coin. I’m sure he’d have wanted you to have them.

SURGEON HAND THE ITEMS TO THE WOMAN, WHO IS OVERWHELMED WITH EMOTION.

WOMAN:
Thank you, doctor. Thank you so much.

SURGEON CARINGLY WATCHES THE WOMAN WALK AWAY.

END