New Show For Ross Kemp
A radio sketch about Ross Kemp and a TV boss.

ATMOS: OFFICE.

F/X: BUZZ OF INTERCOM.

TV BOSS:
Yes?

SECRETARY:
(D) Ross Kemp is here to see you, sir.

TV BOSS:
Who?

SECRETARY:
(D) Grant Mitchell from EastEnders.

TV BOSS:
Ah, yes. Send him in.

F/X: DOOR OPENS.

ROSS:
Hello.

TV BOSS:
Ah, Grant. Come in, sit down.

F/X: DOOR CLOSES.

ROSS:
Thanks, but it’s Ross.

TV BOSS:
Sorry?

ROSS:
It’s Ross. Ross Kemp. I’m not Grant Mitchell any more. In fact, I haven’t been him for a while now.

TV BOSS:
Quite, quite. Now, Grant. What did you want to see me about?

ROSS:
I don’t want you to put me in any more programmes where I have to risk my life.

TV BOSS:
Why ever not?

ROSS:
Because they’re dangerous! In Ross Kemp On Gangs, I almost got shot and knifed, in Ross Kemp In Afghanistan I almost got shot and blown up, and in my latest show Ross Kemp In Search Of Pirates I had to walk the bleeding plank.

TV BOSS:
But you’re hard man Grant Mitchell from Eastenders. It’s what you do.

ROSS:
Oh for God’s sake, I’m not Grant Mitchell! He was a fictional character I played. It’s not me! I’m not tough! I’m not brave! I’m simply Ross Kemp, actor.

TV BOSS:
But Grant. I’ve lined up a brand new show for you. I think you’re going to like this one.

ROSS:
And what’s that?

TV BOSS:
Ross Kemp... On Fire.

ROSS:
What?

TV BOSS:
We douse you with petrol, set you on fire and see how you cope.

ROSS:
But that’s far too dangerous!

TV BOSS:
All right. How about Ross Kemp On Thin Ice?

ROSS:
What? No way.

TV BOSS:
Ross Kemp On A Tall Building About To Fall Off?

ROSS:
No!

TV SHOW:
Ross Kemp In A Plane About To Crash?

ROSS:
No! I won’t do it!

TV BOSS:
All right, all right. What do you want to do?

ROSS:
I don’t care as long as it’s not dangerous. I’ll even star in a soap again if I have to.

TV BOSS:
What? Ross Kemp In EastEnders? Now that’s just silly.