NHS Cuts
A radio sketch set in a hospital ward.

ATMOS: INT. HOSPITAL WARD.

NURSE:
Mrs Jones, your heart transplant operation was a complete success. How are you feeling?

MRS JONES:
Nurse, I’m in agony.

NURSE:
That’ll be the cutbacks, I’m afraid. The government have slashed 25% off the NHS budget, which means, from now on, we can only give patients three quarters of the required dose of pain killers.

MRS JONES:
What? Oh, please don’t tell me you only gave me three quarters of the new heart as well.

NURSE:
No, no, no, it’s a complete organ.

MRS JONES:
That’s a relief.

NURSE:
Although, admittedly, from a slightly cheaper source.

MRS JONES:
Where?

NURSE:
Sainsbury’s.

MRS JONES:
What? Supermarkets don’t trade in human organs!

NURSE:
Who said anything about human? It came from a lamb.

MRS JONES:
I don’t believe this! What on Earth possessed you to give me a lamb’s heart?

NURSE:
It was 25% off. Which was most convenient, considering the budget cut.

MRS JONES:
(THEN PANICKING) Oh, my God, there’s a gaping great hole in my chest! I can see all my insides!

NURSE:
Yes, sorry about that. We couldn’t close you back up again after the operation.

MRS JONES:
Why not?

NURSE:
That’ll be the 25% cut again. We can no longer perform the final quarter of any operation. Sorry about that. We hope it won’t be too much of an inconvenience for you.

MRS JONES:
(FLABBERGHASTED) Too much of an inconvenience? Good God, you can’t just leave me open like this! Take me back to the theatre at once!

NURSE:
(ANNOYED SCOFF) Are you seriously expecting us to do it for free? (A TUT) The cheek of it. The NHS isn’t a charity, you know.

MRS JONES:
This is preposterous! I demand to be stitched up!

NURSE:
We all have been by David Cameron.