GMTV Charlotte Church Interview
Adrian Chiles and Christine Bleakley interview Charlotte Church about how she's coping with single life.

INT. GMTV STUDIO. MORNING.

ADRIAN CHILES AND CHRISTINE BLEAKLEY ARE SITTING IN THE STUDIO WITH CHARLOTTE CHURCH.

ADRIAN:
Hello and welcome to Daybreak, ITV's new morning show, taking over from GMTV. I’m Adrian Chiles, still deeply in shock after realising I’m now on ITV.

CHRISTINE:
And I’m Christine Bleakley, wishing I’d taken up the BBC’s offer after all.

ADRIAN:
Joining us in the studio is Charlotte Church. Why? No real reason other than her agent bunging us a thousand pounds for the favour. So. Charlotte. How’s single life treating you?

CHARLOTTE:
Couldn’t be better. Since the split, I’ve had loads of offers.

ADRIAN:
Oh, really? Such as?

CHARLOTTE:
The best one so far is £50 for my engagement ring.

ADRIAN:
Riiiiight.

CHARLOTTE:
And I got £20 for the lawnmower. Because, let’s face it, I’m never going to use it, am I?

ADRIAN:
I actually thought you meant offers of love, like I’m bound to get from Christine any second now.

CHRISTINE DOESN’T LIKE SUCH A SUPPOSITION, BUT HIDES BEHIND A SICKLY SMILE.

CHRISTINE:
In your dreams, Adrian.

ADRIAN:
You’re the one who followed me onto ITV.

CHRISTINE:
I didn’t follow anybody. It was a lucrative career move.

ADRIAN:
Is that right? Makes you wonder who you had to sleep with to get this job.

CHRISTINE:
I didn’t sleep with anybody. I got it on merit.

ADRIAN:
Really? (CLUTCHES A PAINFUL ARSEHOLE) Lucky you.

CHRISTINE:
Moving on. Charlotte. Any romance on the horizon?

CHARLOTTE:
Ooh, yes. I’m as popular as ever in the bedroom department. Which unfortunately got me banned from DFS.

ADRIAN:
Ah. I know the feeling.

CHRISTINE:
No, you don’t.

ADRIAN:
No, I meant, I know the band, The Feeling.

CHRISTINE:
(ROLLING HER EYES, THEN TO CHARLOTTE) Any interesting new men you want to tell us about?

CHARLOTTE:
Oh, yes. Just this morning, the milkman attempted to deliver his cream. Then the postman thought he’d try his luck at posting his parcel through my letterbox.

CHRISTINE:
I hope you told them where to go.

CHARLOTTE:
I certainly did. Up the stairs, first bedroom on the right.

CHRISTINE:
Good God. You’re not actually joking, are you?

CHARLOTTE:
Nope. Oh, come on. I’m a single girl now. I’ve got to get it wherever I can, otherwise I’ll dry up.

ADRIAN:
Changing he subject rather abruptly. What are you plans for the future?

CHARLOTTE:
I’m keeping my options wide open. Just like I’m doing with my legs.

ADRIAN:
Right. And have you got anything to plug?

CHARLOTTE:
Only my vagina. (A PAUSE) Can I sing now?

ADRIAN:
Oh, please don’t.

CHRISTINE:
I think it’s time we had a commercial break.

ADRIAN:
(PUZZLED) What’s a commercial break?

CHRISTINE:
I don’t know. ITV slang for... something or other. (TO AUDIENCE) During whatever the break is, I’ll be perfecting my annoying smile.

ADRIAN:
And I’ll be drilling a hole in my dressing room wall to spy on Christine when she takes a shower.

ADRIAN WINCES WITH REALISATION AS CHRISTINE STARES AT HIM, APPALLED.

ADRIAN:
Oh, God. I said that aloud, didn’t I?