DWP Fictional Characters Department
A sketch about the Department Of Work And Pensions attempting to thwart benefits cheats.

INT. DWP INTERVIEW ROOM. DAY.

A FEMALE DWP OFFICER IS SITTING AT A DESK. OLD WOMAN ENTERS.

DWP OFFICER:
Right then. Do you know why you’ve been called to the Fictional Character Section of the Department of Work and Pensions?

OLD WOMAN:
No idea. I don’t work and I don’t have a pension, so I think you’ve made a mistake.

DWP OFFICER:
I can assure you this is no mistake, Mrs Old Woman Who Lives In A Shoe. We’ve brought you in as part of our new Clamping Down On System-Draining Benefits Scroungers Scheme. Now then. How many children have you got?

OLD WOMAN:
Er... One. Maybe two.

DWP OFFICER:
Come on. You can do better than that.

OLD WOMAN:
Three or four. Maybe ten. Er... Twenty perhaps.

DWP OFFICER:
Stop messing with us.

OLD WOMAN:
All right, all right! I admit it. I’ve got so many children, I don’t know what to do. Happy now?

DWP OFFICER:
That wasn’t so hard now, was it? And is there a Mr Old Man Who Lives In A Shoe?

OLD WOMAN:
No, I’ve never had a proper live-in relationship.

DWP OFFICER:
So am I right in assuming that you’re nothing but a dole-sponging single mother who has had loads of fatherless children just to get yourself a Council Shoe?

OLD WOMAN:
(SIGHS) Yes, I admit it.

DWP OFFICER:
Well, we’ll be suspending your Benefits, so you’re going to have to find yourself a job. Any idea what kind of work you’d be interested in?

OLD WOMAN:
No. I don’t know what to do.

DWP OFFICER:
Why?

OLD WOMAN:
Because I’ve got so many children.

DWP OFFICER:
That’s no excuse. There are plenty of childcare schemes nowadays. Take Snow White, for example. She looks after children. Or is it just dwarfs? Hmm. Or what about the witch who lives in that cottage made of gingerbread? She takes children.

OLD WOMAN:
Oh, all right. You win. I’ll get a job.

DWP OFFICER:
Good. That’s another scrounger off our books. Oh, on your way out, could you please send in Humpty Dumpty?

OLD WOMAN:
Why? What’s he done?

DWP OFFICER:
He’s been claiming Disability Living Allowance for years. Reckons he fell off a wall.