Coffee Shop
Radio sketch about the modern culture of too much choice in coffee shops.

ATMOS: COFFEE SHOP/CAFETERIA.

COUNTER GIRL:
Good morning, sir. How can I be of service?

MAN:
I’d like a coffee please.

COUNTER GIRL:
Certainly, sir. We serve a variety of coffees in this establishment. Would you like Latte, Expresso, Americana, Cappuchino, Mocha, Flavoured…?

MAN:
(INTERRUPTS) Um, just a normal coffee please.

COUNTER GIRL:
Certainly, sir. And would you like milk in your coffee?

MAN:
Yes please.

COUNTER GIRL:
We serve a variety of milk in this establishment. Would you like cow’s milk, goats milk, UHT milk, Milk Of Magnesia, Milk Tray... (SHORT PAUSE) breast milk?

MAN:
(SHOCKED) Breast milk?

COUNTER GIRL:
It’s very popular. Would you like to try some? I’ll just loosen my bra and get it out.

MAN:
(BECOMING TETCHY) No, no! Cow’s milk will be fine.

COUNTER GIRL:
And would you like sugar, sir?

MAN:
Er... Yes please.

COUNTER GIRL:
We serve a variety of sugar in this establishment. Would you like granulated sugar, cane sugar, demerera sugar, caster sugar, icing sugar, Alan Sugar, sugar baby love, sugar sugar ah honey honey…?

MAN:
Oh, please help me, God!

COUNTER GIRL:
Are you sure you’d like help from God, sir? Or would you like to try something a little more exotic perhaps... like Allah, Mohammed or Buddha? Although, technically speaking, Buddha was not a god and Mohammed was just a prophet.

MAN:
Oh, I don’t believe this! Look, forget the damn coffee! I’ll just have water.

COUNTER GIRL:
Certainly, sir. We serve a variety of water in this establishment. Would you like tap water, mineral water, flavoured water, sparkling water, salt water, stagnant water, smoke on the water, water water everywhere but not a drop to drink…?

MAN:
Oh, this is ridiculous! I’ve had enough! I’m leaving!

COUNTER:
Certainly, sir. Would you like to use the front door, back door, side door, trap door…?

MAN:
Arrrrrggghhh!