Coffee Shop
A comedy sketch by Mikey J

INT. COFFEE SHOP. DAY.

A MAN WALKS UP TO THE COUNTER OF A COFFEE SHOP. THE LADY BEHIND THE COUNTER SMILES AT HIM.

LADY:
Can I help you, sir?

MAN:
Yes, I’d like a coffee, please.

LADY:
What type of coffee would you like?

MAN:
Er… Sorry, I’m not sure what you mean.

LADY:
We serve a variety of coffees in here, sir. Would you like Latte, Expresso, Americana, Cappuchino, Mocca, Flavoured…

MAN:
(INTERRUPTING) Look, all I want is a normal coffee.

LADY LOOKS NONPLUSSED. LADY GLANCES AT OTHER ASSISTANT, WHO SHRUGS SHOULDERS AT HER. LADY RETURNS GAZE TO MAN.

LADY:
This normal coffee you speak of. What’s in it?

MAN:
Er… just coffee and hot water.

LADY:
And would you like milk with that, sir?

MAN:
Yes, please.

LADY:
Would you like cow’s milk, goats milk, UHT milk, Milk Of Magnesia, Milk Tray, breast milk…

MAN:
(BECOMING TETCHY) Cow’s milk will be fine.

LADY:
And would you like sugar with that, sir?

MAN:
Yes, please.

LADY:
Would you like cane sugar, demerera sugar, caster sugar, icing sugar, sugar sugar ah honey honey…

MAN:
Bloody hell. Just normal sugar will be fine.

LADY:
How many sugars? One, two, three, four…

MAN:
Oh, please help me, God!

LADY:
Would you like Dear God, Oh God, My God, Allah or Buddha? Although, technically speaking, Buddha is not a god.

MAN:
Oh, forget the bloody coffee! I’ll just have water.

LADY:
Would you like tap water, mineral water, flavoured water, sparkling water, salt water, stagnant water, smoke on the water, water water everywhere but not a drop to drink…

MAN:
That’s it! I’ve had enough! I’m leaving!

LADY:
Would you like to use the front door, back door, side door, trap door…

MAN:
Arghhhhh!

END