Chavvy Dad - The Embarrassing Parent
A comedy sketch by Mikey J

SCENE 1. EXT. OUTSIDE HOUSE. DAY.

A WHITE SCHOOLBOY, TIM, 12, IS BRINGING HIS NEW FRIEND NIGEL, 12, (A MIDDLE CLASS, WELL-SPOKEN BLACK BOY) TO HIS HOUSE.

BEFORE ENTERING, TIM STOPS, LOOKS UNCOMFORTABLE.

TIM:
Before we go in, I’d better warn you about my Dad. He’s a bit… well… embarrassing.

NIGEL:
All Dads are embarrassing, Tim. That’s how it works.

TIM:
Yeah, but my Dad is very embarrassing.

THEY ENTER THE HOUSE.

CUT TO:

SCENE 2. INT. LIVING ROOM. DAY.

THE BOYS ENTER THE ROOM.

TIM:
(RELIEVED) Oh, good. Doesn’t look like he’s here.

DAD THEN ENTERS, WEARING A BAGGY OLD SKOOL SHELLSUIT, SKI SHADES, A SKULL CAP, LOADS OF GOLD BLING AND TRENDY TRAINERS.

DAD PERFORMS THE HIP-HOP STYLEE STANCE OF LEANING BACK A BIT, LEGS WIDE, ARMS OUT, AND INDEX AND LITTLE FINGERS EXTENDED. ALSO HAS A FAKE OVERDONE BLACK STREET ACCENT.

DAD:
Izziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!

TIM ROLLS HIS EYES, EMBARRASSED.
NIGEL LOOKS RATHER HORRIFIED.

TIM:
(TO HIMSELF) Oh, God. (TO DAD) Hello, Dad.

DAD SPOTS THAT TIM’S FRIEND IS BLACK. DAD IS IMPRESSED.

DAD:
(TO NIGEL) Heeeey! You is a bruvva, man. High five.

NIGEL RELUCTANTLY DOES A HIGH FIVE WITH DAD.

DAD:
(TO TIM) Yo, Tim. ‘Bout time you started hangin’ wid da crew, man. (TO NIGEL) Respect, bro.

NIGEL:
(NERVOUSLY) Pleased to meet you.

DAD IS CONFUSED BY NIGEL’S POLITE VOICE.

DAD:
Hey! Why you talk like dat, bro?

NIGEL:
It’s how I’ve always spoken.

DAD:
But you is black, innit. You is supposed to talk like dis. (POINTS TO HIMSELF) You is supposed to talk street like me. You sound like a right gaylord, bro. Anyway, what do they call, you? What’s your name, bro?

NIGEL:
Er… It’s Nigel.

DAD:
Nigel? What have they done, man? Your folks must hate you, bro.

TIM:
Dad. Stop it. Me and Nigel are going upstairs to use the computer.

DAD:
Cool, man. Is you gonna download porn? If so, put it in da special folder.

TIM:
No, we’re not.

DAD:
Is you gonna play Grand Theft Auto 76 - The Regurgitation?

TIM:
No, Dad. We’re going to do our homework.

DAD:
What? Homework is for losers, bro.

TIM:
I don’t care. Come on, Nigel. Let’s go.

TIM AND NIGEL WALK TOWARDS THE DOOR.

DAD:
I’ll get my bitch to call you when dinner’s ready.

TIM:
I take it you mean Mum?

DAD:
Yeah, course. Who’ja think I meant? LL Cool Dog?

TIM AND NIGEL LEAVE THE ROOM. THEN WE HEAR THE SOUND OF FEET GOING UPSTAIRS.

DAD:
(TO HIMSELF) Bloody pair of gaylords.

DAD THEN GOES TO THE DOOR AND CALLS UPSTAIRS.

DAD:
Oi! If you’re not in bed by nine, Nigel will have to go home!

DAD THEN LAUGHS TO HIMSELF, FLICKING HIS FINGERS.

END