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Mikey Jackson, British freelance writer of TV and radio comedy and drama scripts, sitcoms, comedy sketches, screenplays, theatre. Jobbing scriptwriter. Available for commissioning.
Mikey Jackson writer for TV, radio, film, theatre and more.

Anger Management
A radio sketch set in a shop.

ATMOS: INT. SHOP.

F/X: SHOP DOOR OPENING, CHIMING AND CLOSING.

CUSTOMER:
Hello. I wonder if you can help me.

SHOPKEEPER:
(SHOUTING) No, I can’t, you daft apeth!

CUSTOMER:
(APPALLED) I beg your pardon.

SHOPKEEPER:
Ah, let me explain, sir. I’ve just this minute returned from completing an anger management course.

CUSTOMER:
What? It couldn’t have been very good. You shouted at me as soon as I entered this shop.

SHOPKEEPER:
(SHOUTING) You deserved it, you stupid idiot!

CUSTOMER:
There you go again!

F/X: SHOP DOOR OPENING, CHIMING AND CLOSING.

SHOPKEEPER:
Uh, oh. Here comes another one. (THEN SHOUTING) Stop stealing my stock, you thieving cretin!

F/X: ONE GUN SHOT, AN UGH, THEN A DULL THUD.

CUSTOMER:
Oh, my God! You've killed him!

SHOPKEEPER:
Well, of course I did. What else was I supposed to do?

CUSTOMER:
Er... serve him?

SHOPKEEPER:
Don’t be silly. It was perfectly managed anger. Just like the course taught me.

CUSTOMER:
But did you really have to shoot him?

SHOPKEEPER:
Yes. He was a shoplifter.

CUSTOMER:
No, he wasn’t! All he did was pick up a tin of beans!

SHOPKEEPER:
Which he was just about to put in his pocket.

CUSTOMER:
What?

SHOPKEEPER:
I know his sort, mate. Next thing you know, he would have scarpered out the door.

CUSTOMER:
He was walking towards the counter!

SHOPKEEPER:
See, that’s even worse. He was just about to rob the till.

CUSTOMER:
(SIGHS) Oh, I give up. Have it your own way. But you didn’t really need to insult me, did you?

SHOPKEEPER:
Yes, I did. I can read faces, you see. I knew for a fact you wanted to buy a new shirt for a wedding.

CUSTOMER:
Well, yes, I did, but was calling me a daft apeth and a stupid idiot really necessary?

SHOPKEEPER:
Yes, sir. This is a grocery store.