Anger Management
A radio sketch set in a shop.

ATMOS: INT. SHOP.

F/X: SHOP DOOR OPENING, CHIMING AND CLOSING.

CUSTOMER:
Hello. I wonder if you can help me.

SHOPKEEPER:
(SHOUTING) No, I can’t, you daft apeth!

CUSTOMER:
(APPALLED) I beg your pardon.

SHOPKEEPER:
Ah, let me explain, sir. I’ve just this minute returned from completing an anger management course.

CUSTOMER:
What? It couldn’t have been very good. You shouted at me as soon as I entered this shop.

SHOPKEEPER:
(SHOUTING) You deserved it, you stupid idiot!

CUSTOMER:
There you go again!

F/X: SHOP DOOR OPENING, CHIMING AND CLOSING.

SHOPKEEPER:
Uh, oh. Here comes another one. (THEN SHOUTING) Stop stealing my stock, you thieving cretin!

F/X: ONE GUN SHOT, AN UGH, THEN A DULL THUD.

CUSTOMER:
Oh, my God! You've killed him!

SHOPKEEPER:
Well, of course I did. What else was I supposed to do?

CUSTOMER:
Er... serve him?

SHOPKEEPER:
Don’t be silly. It was perfectly managed anger. Just like the course taught me.

CUSTOMER:
But did you really have to shoot him?

SHOPKEEPER:
Yes. He was a shoplifter.

CUSTOMER:
No, he wasn’t! All he did was pick up a tin of beans!

SHOPKEEPER:
Which he was just about to put in his pocket.

CUSTOMER:
What?

SHOPKEEPER:
I know his sort, mate. Next thing you know, he would have scarpered out the door.

CUSTOMER:
He was walking towards the counter!

SHOPKEEPER:
See, that’s even worse. He was just about to rob the till.

CUSTOMER:
(SIGHS) Oh, I give up. Have it your own way. But you didn’t really need to insult me, did you?

SHOPKEEPER:
Yes, I did. I can read faces, you see. I knew for a fact you wanted to buy a new shirt for a wedding.

CUSTOMER:
Well, yes, I did, but was calling me a daft apeth and a stupid idiot really necessary?

SHOPKEEPER:
Yes, sir. This is a grocery store.