Three Wise Monkeys (Nativity Audition)
A comedy sketch by Mikey J

INT. CASTING ROOM. DAY.

THERE IS A SIGN ON THE WALL THAT SAYS “NATIVITY PLAY AUDITIONS.”

A CASTING AGENT IS SITTING AT A DESK. THREE WISE MONKEYS ENTER, COVERING EYES, EARS AND MOUTH RESPECTIVELY. THEY SIT DOWN. CASTING AGENT FROWNS.

AGENT:
Errr… Have you got the right room?

HEARNOEVIL:
Sorry? Can’t hear you.

AGENT:
It would be better if you refrained from covering your ears.

HEARNOEVIL:
You what, mate?

AGENT:
Stop covering your ears.

HEARNOEVIL’S HANDS ARE NOW HOVERING ABOUT AN INCH FROM HIS EARS.

HEARNOEVIL:
Hmm. Not sure if I should.

AGENT:
It would make things easier.

HEARNOEVIL:
Oh, all right. As long as you don’t say anything evil.

AGENT:
I won’t.

HEARNOEVIL:
Promise?

AGENT:
Yes. I promise.

HEARNOEVIL TAKES AWAY HIS HANDS.

HEARNOEVIL:
So, what were you saying?

AGENT:
I was wondering if you’d come to the right place. This is where the auditions for this year’s village nativity play are being held.

HEARNOEVIL:
Yes, I know. That’s what we’re here for.

AGENT:
(CONFUSED) Er… May I enquire as to which parts you’re intending to audition for?

THE THREE WISE MONKEYS EXCHANGE NONPLUSSED GLANCES, AS IF THE CASTING AGENT IS THICK.

HEARNOEVIL:
Three wise monkeys, of course.

AGENT:
Three wise monkeys?

HEARNOEVIL:
Yes. I think we’ll be perfect.

AGENT:
Don’t be so absurd. Three wise monkeys do not appear in the story of the birth of Jesus.

SEENOEVIL:
(STILL COVERING HIS EYES) Yes, they do. It says so on your poster. The one that lists all the parts available. I saw it with my own eyes.

AGENT:
For pity’s sake. You’re hardly the best one for that job.

SEENOEVIL:
I didn’t have my eyes completely covered. I was looking through the cracks in my fingers.

AGENT:
(TO SPEAKNOEVIL) And I suppose you saw it aswell?

SPEAKNOEVIL DOES NOT REPLY.

HEARNOEVIL:
He doesn’t say much. In fact, he doesn’t say anything really. He just stares a lot. He could look the hind legs off a donkey. If he wants anything, he just signals with his hands. He’s very good. You’d definitely want him on your charades team.

AGENT:
Look, this is all getting very silly. There’s no way that I’m going to cast three wise monkeys in my play.

HEARNOEVIL:
Why not?

AGENT:
Because you’re monkeys!

HEARNOEVIL:
(OFFENDED) Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. That’s a bit racist.

AGENT:
No, it’s not. Primates do not perform in nativity plays.

HEARNOEVIL:
True, but we do have acting talents in our genes. Think of Cheetah in the Tarzan films. I know he’d always get stick for ad-libbing a bit too much, but he was always believable. Or what about King Kong? Amazing actor. Should have got an Oscar for that. He did all his own stunts, you know.

AGENT SHAKES HIS HEAD IN DESPAIR.

AGENT:
Look, I’ve had enough of you. Please leave.

HEARNOEVIL:
Come on, mate. Monkeys are very intelligent creatures. Give us typewriters and we’ll write the complete works of Shakespeare. Might take us a while, but we’ll get there in the end.

AGENT:
Oh, don’t be stupid. That’s just a theory.

HEARNOEVIL:
So is evolution, but we don’t see you telling Darwin to f*ck off, do we?

END